By Susan Scott
Reviewed By John W. Lovitt, Ed.D., LPC
(ISBN–13: 978–0425193372)
Improving our humanconnections is key to gaining acompetitive edge. We’re tired ofbeing talked to — we want to betalked with and included in theconversation at a significant level.The best of the best are becomingcommunications rich — black beltconversationalists. Scott discussesfour conversational models in thebook: Team Conversations Coaching Conversations Delegation Conversations Confrontation Conversations
One of the author’s key points isthat our conversation should be thesame regardless of venue, be it work,home, or community. If part of ourvision is to tell the truth, why don’twe tell the truth in love whereverwe are? “Who we are is who weare, all over the place.” It is notabout lowering our standards withcertain groups, it’s about continuousimprovement of our highestexpectations.
Scott defines a fierce conversationas one in which we come outfrom behind ourselves into theconversation and make it real.Reality, corporate and personal,changes. “The world will not bemanaged. Life is curly. Don’t try tostraighten it out,” states Scott. Wedon’t really know what others arethinking or feeling unless they tell usor we inquire into their reality. Weneed to understand where others arecoming from in terms of their truthand how they try to disclose or not.
Scott believes that each employeeowns a piece of the truth aboutthe color of the company. “Whatis impossible to do, that, if it werepossible, would change everything?”An answer to this question mighthelp our teams to move forward infinding out what reality represents atany point in time.
Principle 1: Master the courage tointerrogate reality. “No plan survivesits collision with reality. Reality hasa habit of shifting at work and athome.” The author lists three stagesof interrogating reality:
Identify the issue and make aproposal for action. Invite questionsand check for understanding. Checkfor agreement.
There are two major conceptsdiscussed throughout the book:Mineral Rights and Ground Truth.The Mineral Rights concepthelps us to drill down on issuesthrough inquiry (great questionscoupled with great listening). “Thisconversation interrogates realityby mining for increased clarity,improved understanding, andimpetus for change.” The MineralRights skill helps to accomplishthe four purposes of a fierceconversation:
Interrogate reality. Provokelearning. Tackle tough challenges.Enrich relationships.
Ground Truth refers to what’sactually happening on the groundversus the official tactics. GroundTruth is discussed around the watercooler, in bathrooms, and in theparking lot. This information isseldom discussed whereas officialtruths are discussed. Along withthe major concepts are threetransformational ideas emphasizedby Scott:
Our work, our relationships,and our lives succeed or failone conversation at a time. Theconversation is the relationship.All conversations are with my selfand sometimes they involve otherpeople.
Principle 2: Come out frombehind yourself into the conversationand make it real. “While many fearreal conversations, it is the unrealconversation that should scare usto death. When the conversationis real, the change (what change?)occurs before the conversation isover.” We are originals. We will notbecome effective leaders until ouractions match our authentic selves.“Authenticity is not something youhave: it is something you choose.”
Successful relationships requirethat all parties view getting theircore needs met as being legitimate.“Many times we do not come cleanwith ourselves because we feel thatgetting our needs met is selfish. Theelephant in the room is us. Some ofus express ourselves in light of other’sexpectations of us.”
Principle 3: Be here, prepared tobe nowhere else. “Our work, ourrelationships and our lives succeedor fail one conversation at a time.”Scott suggests that we must listenand speak as if our conversation isthe most important we will everhave with the person involved. “Wemust recognize that humans share auniversal longing to be known and,being known, to be loved.”
“Only when we genuinely see thepeople who are important to us canwe hope to succeed as agents forpositive change.” How will we getpast, “How are you?”
Principle 4: Tackle your toughestchallenge today. Susan Scott saysthat we don’t burn out from solvingproblems —we burn out solvingthe same problems many timesover. Our fear of confrontation orCare–Frontation may include thefollowing: Tackling our toughestchallenge might escalate theproblem. We could be rejected.We could lose the relationship. Wecould incur retaliation. The curemight be worst than the disease.We might discover that we are partof the problem. The results of notconfronting the problem could yieldthe following: The problem couldescalate rather than be resolved. Wecould be rejected. We could lose therelationship. Scott asks the question,“Would you prefer to continuelimping, or are you ready to removethe stone from your shoe?”
Principle 5: Obey your instincts.“Don’t just trust your instincts —obey them,” says Scott. She alsosays that we are receiving messagesconstantly and we need to tunein and pay close attention. “Whatwe label as illusion is the scent ofsomething real coming close.” Eachof us is equipped with exquisitecalibration that allows us to sensewhen there’s a storm brewing.”Thunder rolls across your mind.Lightning flickers. Sometimes weneed to ask ourselves, “Do we wantto trust our intuition?” “The mostvaluable thing any of us can do isfind a way to say the things that can’tbe said."
Principle 6: Take responsibility foryour emotional wake. Susan Scottsays, “The conversation is not aboutthe relationship — the conversationis the relationship.” I wonder if thereisn’t more to the relationship thanjust the conversation — values,beliefs, standards and boundariescertainly impact the relationship at asignificant level.
Scott talks about emotionalwakes: what we say leaves an impactfor the good or not–so–good. It leavesan aftertaste. Our wakes are largerthan we know. “Our emotional wakedetermines the story that is toldabout each of us in the organization.”
What do we want others toremember when we are no longerpresent?
Validation and affirmation arepowerful ways to show peoplethat they are appreciated and heldin high regard. Appreciation is anappropriate topic for a conversation.Who needs to hear from you? Whatdo they need to hear from you? Howoften do they need to hear from you?
Principle 7: Let silence do theheavy lifting. Endless talking goeson and on and means little withoutbreathing space and slowing down.Scott says that insights occur in thespace between words.
“Where in your life did youbecome uncomfortable with thesweet territory of silence?” NativeAmerican saying.
Many times we can be so involvedin our own stories that we haveversations (talking at people ratherthan to them), according to Scott.
“It is exceedingly difficult, almostimpossible, to gain a firm footingin conversations filled with noise,”according to Scott. Dramaticinterventions are required to stopthe words and begin a conversation.“All the conversations in the worldcruise on a crest of silence. Fill yourconversations with silences duringwhich reality may be interrogated,learning may be provoked, toughchallenges may be tackled andrelationships may be enriched.”
