Someone once asked me, “When you think of family, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?” The first thing that popped in my head was material! Being a comedian, you make your living off making light of the everyday situations you observe. Seeing how I’m always around my family, how could I pass them up?

For instance, my sister and brother-in-law and their three sons took my mom on a vacation to California by way of Las Vegas. Now, they told me it was part of their package, but I have never heard of the “Excuse me, do you have the California-by-way-of-Las-Vegas package, because we like to spend all of our money before we even get to our destination?” package.

My mother was so concerned about traveling through Arizona that she even colored her roots in her hair! It still amazes me how they took $7,000 and brought me five shampoos and two towels from Stardust Hotel as my gifts.

Now, I’m not saying they’re gamblers – just my mom! My mother can smell a bingo hall at 100 yards out! She loves bingo so much that she will stop at nothing to win. The other day, she got into a screaming match because she needed one more number, and some lady yelled, “BINGO!” My mother is no longer allowed at St. Luke’s Church.

Now, in every family there is one relative who is comedy gold. That would be my father! Now, my father is very loving in his own way. Have you ever heard the sayings, “It’s my house; if you don’t like it, GET OUT” and “Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you”? Well, if you went to my dad’s house, you would have a very good chance of hearing them.

My dad is something of a loner – meaning he doesn’t like … hmm, let’s see, what’s the perfect word I’m looking for … PEOPLE! Especially people who are called family. I mean, this is the same person who put pictures of my aunts on his front door during Halloween! When my aunts saw their pictures on the front door, they asked my mom in Spanish, “What is the meaning of this?” Then they heard my dad yell from inside the house, “It’s to scare the trick-or-treaters, you witches! Now get off my yard!”

You have to understand my father is a bit of a hermit; he prefers to stay in his castle and mind his business, and he hates company. Last week, I couldn’t believe the question he asked me: “Son, how many people do you think will be at my funeral?” I replied, “Well, let’s see, dad, you have not one friend, you don’t like mom’s family, you don’t like your family and we don’t even know if you like us. I’ll have to rent a dolly to carry you to the funeral home!” Then he said, “Get out of my house!”

Now, he does have a soft spot in his heart; just the other night, for example, he didn’t charge me for watching my kids like he usually does! He said he didn’t charge me because he understands there is a recession. You see, my father is a businessman – meaning he is the only one who saves and budgets in the whole family.

This revelation of budget came later in life: when my sister, my brother and I were out of the house! I remember when we were younger, we would move a lot because my lovely folks couldn’t budget correctly. I mean, we moved so much that my first vehicle was a U-Haul truck! Prom wasn’t cool.

I really believe if my dad could of budgeted a bit better, I would of never had to explain to Southwestern Bell that I never opened a phone line under my social security in 1972 because that would have made me 2 years old. I’m not even going to tell you about the conversation I had with Paragon Cable.

Looking back at all of the hard times I have endured, I would not a change a thing because it made me appreciate what I truly had in front of me. And that was family! My mom and dad did the best they could with what they had. They made sure I was never left out of anything growing up, and I will never ever forget that.

I make my living by making fun of my life’s testimonies, but all the credit goes to my writers for giving me the inspiration and dedication to put it down on paper. Thank you very much to you both! And I love you, mom and dad.

For more information you can reach him at cleto@thecletoshow.com, or cletorodriguez.com.